


Soul of Water

by ArynjaT



Series: Soul [2]
Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: Angst, Drama, Failed Suicide Attempt Aftermath, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Abuse, Romance, Suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:22:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25844266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArynjaT/pseuds/ArynjaT
Summary: Nick writes a letter to Brian, who is in hospital after his failed suicide attempt. The letter explains all of Nicks feelings and his point of view.
Relationships: Brian Littrell/Nick Carter, Frick & Frack, Nick Carter/Brian Littrell
Series: Soul [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1875325
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	Soul of Water

_"Hey Brian,_

_I'm sad. I'm sad because you did it once again. You once again were a coward. I shouldn't be surprised, cause running away is what you always did. Every single time something seemed like a challenge, you just gave up. It's so sad, man._

_Yes I loved you. I loved you with every fiber of my body. From the first day we met you were the one and only thing for me. There was nothing else I could see, because I only had eyes for you. It started as a stupid crush. You were so attractive, do you even know that? That curly brown hair, your blue eyes and that wonderful, wonderful smile. I fell for you right when you stepped into the room. And then when you sang, you seemed so much like an angel. One of gods chosen ones, singing the most beautiful of melodies. I was enchanted. You say it was awkward to us, but it really ever was only awkward for you. Sure in the first moment I was surprised that I loved a guy, but in the end, what did it matter? You love who your heart picks, not who society does._

_For me the biggest issue was, that you were five years older than me. I was just a boy. I didn't dare to tell you how I felt for a long time, because I was scared you would just see me as a kid. You loved me too, but I didn't know that until it happened. Just like that. Our attraction to one another was just so strong, that we couldn't stop it. Yes, our first night was phenomenal. Every night I ever had with you was phenomenal. With you I felt safe and complete. You were the missing piece for my broken coin. We belonged together. Much more I belonged to you and I loved it. I loved that you wanted me so much, make me yours. I loved how possessive you were and I loved it when you got jealous over me talking to fans or people you didn't know. You were so passionate and fierce and you had a hard time controlling yourself when I was around. I knew that, but I needed you as much as you needed me. Over the time I learned how I could affect you. How I had to move, how I had to speak to entice you. I was so needy. Sometimes I teased you all day, because I knew what you would do in response once we got back to our hotel room. Oh Brian, you can't imagine how I miss those days. Where did they go?_

_You are right, when you say that it was your fault that it ended. I never understood it and that is pretty special, considering I normally could read you like a book. Don't get me wrong. I know what you were thinking, but I can't relate to why you were thinking that way. You write, that you were scared of a hate-crime against me and you. But is that really true Brian? Think about it, I'm pretty sure that was only part of your reason. Don't try to fool me, don't try to fool yourself. You were raised a deep believing christian, you probably thought what you were doing was wrong. A sin, that you needed to expunge. That's why you brought Leighanne. You didn't only need her to get away from me, you needed her to be the knife you rammed into my heart. Brian, you knew that you wouldn't be able to withstand me if I had asked you to come back. That's why you used Leighanne to expunge my love for you. I'm sorry to tell you, but you didn't succeed. Nothing can ever destroy the love I feel for you. It's still the same, even today. You and me, we belong together._

_And yet I pulled away from you, because you being with another person hurt me so much. And you hurt yourself, too. You didn't even love her, not even then. I couldn't watch that. I didn't want to see you break. You know what happened then. I couldn't handle the pain. You had been my everything, the only person that ever truly cared for me. The one to hold me, my strength. And when you were gone I lost all that. Nothing could keep me from falling anymore. And I fell deep. So many things happened. You know about the drugs and the alcohol. But did you know I slept around, too? Men or women I didn't care, just somebody I hoped would fill the hole you left in me. Nobody did. There were only two persons who could mend that hole: you or me. In the end I had to do it myself, because you didn't even take my calls for a year. It was so cruel of you. How could you do that? I know you regret it now, but I could have never done the same to you. You say it made you feel like a monster. I'm sorry to say that Bri, but in that year you were.  
_

_I was so angry with you for years and the worst part about it was that I still loved you. I couldn't hate you, because I felt so much for you. But when we talked again things had changed. I just couldn't treat you the same as before anymore. You weren't the same and I wasn't either. Your decision to go with that woman destroyed Frick & Frack, at least for a time. We had to get to know each other again. Not that your wife made that easy. She was with you constantly. All the time, everywhere you went she was your shadow. For a while I didn't notice how that made you feel. I thought you were alright with it. I was still to focused on my anger and my pain about the things you had done to me. Only when I finally got past those emotions could I see that you weren't happy. _

_The Brian I had once known was gone. Your eyes were so empty. No matter how much you tried to hide your feelings behind fake smiles, you couldn't hide them from me. It was hard for me to watch you like that, being controlled by her. That wasn't you. The Brian I knew never would have allowed anybody to order him around like that. I knew then that she had some kind of power over you and I hated her even more for it. The thing was, that I couldn't do anything though. She was your wife, the mother of your son. I tried to talk to you, don't you remember? I tried to make you come to your senses. I wanted you to leave her, no matter if you had a prenup or not. Of course I didn't know that she was blackmailing you until you wrote me that mail three days ago. Still even if I had known I would have told you the same. What does it matter if the whole world knows about our past love? You should be happy, that is all that is important. But you didn't listen to me. So I gave up._

_Can you imagine how hard it was to observe your slow fall without being able to stop it? First your voice issues. I didn't know at first, but when I read it up in London I knew where they came from. Stress was a factor in it and nobody in our group had as much stress as you had, not even me. It was terrible too. That beautiful voice of yours, that voice of an angel it was lost. It made me sad, but I knew for you it was even worse. You had to live with it every day. Every day you have to face the fact, that you just don't sound the way you used to anymore. It must hurt so much and adding on top of that you have so many haters. Of everyone in the group you have the most and I don't know why. You don't deserve that._

_Perhaps that all was your last straw, because as soon as your voice failed things with you got visibly worse. When I got the idea to record 'In A World Like This' in London I couldn't see it yet. But as soon as we arrived it was evident. You were a changed man. Usually you were happier when Leighanne wasn't around, but this time you stayed sad. Everybody noticed it. You were so silent and calm, when usually you were loud and jumping around. It shocked me to see you like this and it frustrated me, because I couldn't do a thing. You were depressed and sad and I was helpless. I tried everything I thought could help. I came to your bed every night, hugged you close, hold you. You were pretending to sleep, but I know you were not. It didn't help though, things stayed as bad as they had been when you arrived. When we came back from London it all exploded in the argument we had about the album. I'm sorry for shouting at you I regret that, but it was just so frustrating to see you like that._

_Then the tour came and you showed up in front of my hotel rooms door. It's interesting how you describe it, 'cause I saw it differently. When I opened the door and saw you crying I was devastated. Never before had I seen you that small and broken. That was not how it should be. It pained me to see you like that and I wanted to help you. So I let you in and then you kissed me. What did you expect me to do? I was surprised. You had not kissed me in so many years and then you suddenly just did it. Of course I froze, because there were so memories and fears and emotions flooding my head. Yes anger was one of them too, but I didn't hate you. I love you, Idiot. I still do so much, but you ran away again. After that you avoided me. After that it felt like I lost you. After that it seemed like you lost yourself._

_When you lost so much weight I got really worried about you, we all did. Kevin, AJ, Howie and me, we all could see you vanishing in front of our eyes. Do you know we talked about it? Kevin asked me to talk to you, because you wouldn't listen to him and you know I tried. You know I came to you to speak again, but you blocked off any attempt I made to get to you. Now I know you didn't want our help. You had given up._

_Why do you always do that? Why do you give up on everything? I know you are not that weak, you are so strong, but you just can't see it. If you would just fight your problems, if you would show a little more courage, then things would be so much better. But no Brian, that's not you right? You are just a coward. A stupid coward. But still, no matter how idiotic your decisions are I love you so much it rips me apart to see you destroying yourself._

_You tried then too, but suddenly you stopped. None of us knew what made you gain weight again, but we were happy. I thought things were getting better, perhaps you had started therapy. How could I have known what was up with you? You didn't talk to me anymore and she was always around with a watchful eye over you. She's worse than Lauren._

_Yes, Lauren. That is another thing. I felt I had completely lost you, like there was no chance of ever getting back together with you. And I'm not that young anymore Brian. I'm still the youngest of the group, but I was in my 30s then. I had to start a family. I wanted kids Brian, just like you had Baylee. We could have adopted kids together you know, but the chance for that has long passed. So I found Lauren, my sister introduced her to me. She was perfect for starting a family. I didn't know it would hurt you so much as it did. I saw it in your face on my wedding day. Part of me wished then that you would have spoken up to stop it. But you did not. After all your wife was with you again, your constant shadow._

_Only when the DNA tour came around years later did she finally leave you alone. It was then when I realized how much she affects you. Back in Europe in 2019 you were a whole different person and your eyes I had not seen them shine like that since the 90s. My Brian was back: the Brian I had lost when a witch came to steal him. I was so happy to feel like that with you again. How could you not have seen the love in my eyes when I looked at you? Has she made you blind for that?_

_I feel so sorry for you, for everything you had to go through. All the pain and suffering through the years. I wanted to help you and I tried, but you always pushed me away. You pushed everyone away._

_Now you are in the hospital. You tried to kill yourself. I still can't believe it. I know you are a coward, but I would have never thought you would go that far. Brian, you hurt me with it. When I got your mail I called you immediately, but it was too late. You already had done your thing. You must have been hurting so bad to go that far. But you shouldn't have done it, you should have waited. You should have given me the time to rescue you._

_All your problems I will fight them for you. I will start with Leighanne. She won't see you no more. I won't allow that bitch to ever abuse you again. No matter what she tries to reveal. I don't care, I will fight for you. She hasn't seen me fighting yet. You haven't either._

_Bri, everything will be fine you see. Things will become great again. The sun will shine for you. And your voice no matter what anyone says, I believe you will defeat the illness. You already improved so much. It made me happy to hear it. Sometimes on your good days in Europe you sounded just like 1997. I believe in you, don't you forget it. You will defeat your illness and everything else that gets in your way, because I will be at your side._

_Just don't be a coward again._

_I love you,_

_Nick"_

That was written with so much care. Brian gently touched the paper carrying the message. He was crying, the words had touched him. Nick watched him as he slowly folded the letter and put it back into the envelope. His lower arms were put in thick bandages and he was still laying in a hospital bed.

And as Brian had finished reading he lifted his head to look into Nicks eyes. He didn't know what to say, that much was obvious, but his eyes told so much. There was pain and suffering in them, but also love and affection. And most importantly, there was something Nick hadn't seen in them for an eternity: hope. Nick smiled gently and reached out from his chair to take Brians right hand. It was so soft and as he felt the warm skin under his fingers Nick started to gently caress it with his thumb. 

"Is it true?", Brian finally asked after he had chosen a question. Was it so hard to believe? Nick smiled and used the free hand to poke Brians forehead, before he answered: "Yes stupid, I love you. I never stopped loving you." and as their eyes met again after Nick spoke, it felt to him as if he could look straight into Brians soul. It was hurt and shattered. Brian was already crying before, but now he broke into even more tears. He couldn't keep his eyes open and bent forward. 

It was as if years and years of regret washed over him like an ocean trying to drown him. But Nick was there to hold him. And as Brian seemed to be loosing the battle against his sadness, Nick moved from his chair closer to the man he loved. As he pulled the smaller man into a hug, he tried to fish for that little bit of happiness he had seen when their eyes met. "Shhh... it's alright. Let it all out. Your suffering is over Bri.", he whispered into his ear and used one hand to trail across Brians fuzzy hair. Nick didn't want to stop him from crying, but he didn't want to him to go under. Brian was shivering in his arms as the tears were shaking him, but after a moment he put his arms out around Nicks waist. It seemed that he had finally accepted his offer to help. Finally.


End file.
